Hi! I wanna tell you a little bit about how I got here.
Over the past few years, it’s been rough. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. A little over two years ago, I attempted for the first time. I was really struggling. I was doing better for a bit, but the past year has been the worst year of my life. I have had multiple attempts since then. Then there was my most recent. July 5th, 2022; one of the scariest days of my life. I remember calling my mom on the phone after I did it. Going back a few months, I would smoke everyday to take the pain away until I got caught. I remember being in inpatient for the very first time in April of 2021. I lost my dog when I was there. That was such a bad day. I didn’t get to say goodbye or anything. I hadn’t seen her for about 2 weeks.
Fast forward. I came to Ironwood. A few weeks pass and one day, I’m in family therapy and my step mom and dad told me my grandpa’s cancer got worse. I just remember bawling my eyes out. All I wanted was for my mom to hug me and not let me go. When I first got to Ironwood. I was very scared and angry. I kept my cool until about a month in and I lost it. I remember being at the mini barn and losing it. I walked off. This was the very first of many poor decisions I made.. This first one up to the very last one, which was just a few weeks ago. I was at one of the lowest spots I’ve ever been in. I harmed myself. I ran off. I was just so depressed.
I remember that one day, I was sitting outside and I was mad and just not doing well. I had made a plan for a while to do this and I found the perfect opportunity so I did it. I ran off. I wasn’t gone for very long; I came back on my own too. I was on safety watch for two weeks.
At Ironwood, I learned some things. I also change my perspectives on how I say things. For example, instead of running aways I learned to stay in hard situations. I learned how to cope safely and being able to stay in a group during hard, difficult situations. I’ve also learned how to regulate my emotions, also how to safely cope with anger. I went from cutting almost every day to not having cut in almost a month. I’ve learned cutting isn’t the only way I can feel better when I’m angry.
Some Things I’ve learned about myself is that it’s okay to ask for help. I used to never ask for help when struggling. It helps me in the long run to be vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable. It makes me uncomfortable. But I’ve learned that being vulnerable isn’t always a bad thing. I don’t need to run. Running doesn’t help my situation; if anything, it makes things worse for me. I don’t need to hurt myself to feel better. Hurting myself is only a short-term solution.
Some things that were really difficult for were being vulnerable, controlling my emotions, controlling how I act when I’m angry, my impulsivity, and not being honest. Some things I really need to work on as I continue my program are my impulsivity, being vulnerable, repairing relationships with my siblings, maintaining good relationships with my peers, and being honest with myself and therapist. Lastly, some skills I’ve used to help me so far in my Ironwood journey was taking space, deep breathings, and talking about my feelings.