Ironwood Aftercare Blog

One of the biggest issues for teens and their families after Ironwood is the subject of friends.  Prior to Ironwood, the teen was spending their time with an assortment of peers, some acquaintances, some friends.  Typically, it was in the company of those peers that the teen was engaging in activities that resulted in being sent to Ironwood.  Upon leaving Ironwood, after making many changes and maturing quite a bit, the Ironwood graduate often tends to gravitate back toward those same peers.  The situation can be complicated for both teens and parents.  Ultimately, the teen is responsible for his or her behavior and choices regardless with whom they are spending time and  parents are limited in how much they can reasonably limit or monitor friends and associates.  However, a case can be made that if your teen is to make a fresh start, start a new phase of life and follow through on their good intentions, the old friends and acquaintances will by and large need to be left by the wayside.

Teens need friends and new friends can be hard to find.  It is much easier to slide back into an existing group and that is often done with promises of:

 “I will just say ‘no’”,

  “I will leave if they start doing things that I do not want to be around”,

 “my friends won’t let me do those things because they care about me”, etc.

My experience is that the above just does not work out.  Once back in the group, most teens will gradually or quickly regress back to the behaviors they were doing in the past with that group.  What to do about it?

Change schools, start a new part-time job, join a gym, get involved in something – preferably an activity that is interesting and involves other teens of approximately the same age.   The idea is to give at least an opportunity to meet new people and make new friends.  If the teen is really interested in making a fresh start, then having the opportunity to make new friends and develop new activities will help.  The discussion about friends should start while the teen is still in treatment and continue, if needed, through graduation and beyond.  The friends topic is a big one at Ironwood, during groups, at Family Weekend, during family therapy, it is such an important topic and could be pivotal to your teen’s success.  There is no single answer, there are many variables and each situation is very different,  but the bottom line is that if one wants to make a fresh start and choose a new path, there will need to be a new set of peers who get to know the ‘new’ person and that will  support the changes that have been made.

The metaphor I use the most for graduating Ironwood is the metaphor of hiking up a mountain. Maybe that is my preferred metaphor because hiking and backpacking were a very important part of my growing up and becoming who I am today.   Most of my hikes took place in the Rockies, from New Mexico to Banff and Lake Louise in Canada. Starting out on a weeklong hike into the National Forest, with a 50 pound backpack on my back, the shoulders hurt the worst, with the straps digging in, then there was the altitude change, and unpredictable weather. And then there was whoever I was hiking with, my sister, nephew and father, or a group of Scouts, or a friend.
Hiking into the backcountry requires teamwork and cooperation, paying attention to what is going on and being respectful of one’s surroundings and each other.
The first day out, I was always tempted to turn around, the physical pain, the drudgery. By the second or third day, you are existing in a different world, with its own rhythm and rules. The fourth and fifth days are the best, you are the deepest in to the wild and natural beauty of the place, you are physically strong and all is good. Then the last day or so, one reenters civilization, the path out is more well trodden by day hikers, one sees the signs of those who are not so caring of nature and their environment, trash on the trail, scars on the trees and rocks. You take a deep breath, think about the lovely hot meal you will have at the end of the hike and prepare to reenter civilization.

The completion of those hikes was probably the most important experience of my adolescence.  Not giving up when it hurts to keep going is a life experience that every teen should have.

I do not want to belabor the metaphor, I believe the parallels are self-evident.  I want to focus on the completion piece.  The last phase at Ironwood is Level Four, the teens at Ironwood work very hard to reach that level and are typically feeling great about themselves, their surroundings and the work they have done up to that point.  If we did not incorporate a home visit into our level four prior to graduation, my metaphor of the hike would be concise.  The student would have some great days at Level Four and then graduate and go home.  However, we have that extra piece at the end.  The student goes home for a home visit, one to three weeks of a trial run at home, then returns to Ironwood to finish out the program as a level four.  We ask them to finish strong and positive and most importantly, internalize and integrate the life lessons that have been learned during the entire journey at Ironwood.  Part of that is sorting through the reality of  the home community, piecing it together with the changes the individual has made and putting it all together.  Sometimes, coming back to Ironwood after the home visit means accepting that there are still problems to be worked out, more changes to make, the teen is required to dig a little deeper.  We want the teen to be as strong and solid as possible when they launch back into their life outside of Ironwood.   The temptation to not return after the home visit is strong, especially because the teen knows they are going back into the backcountry, it will be uncomfortable at times and will require focus and determination.  However, the benefits of completing and graduating are enormous, it gives the teen the knowledge that they can accomplish anything, in fact, they have accomplished something that no one can ever take away from them.

Allowing your teen to not complete the journey, allowing them to throw in the towel right before the last big hurdle, is, I believe, abdicating ones responsibility as a parent to take the rare opportunity to take a stand and say, “I know you can do it, and you will be a better, stronger person because of it, therefore, because I want the best out of you and for you, you will complete this journey you have taken and finish strong.”

The last few months have seen several graduations at Ironwood. The transition from Ironwood to home is a major event, full of mixed emotions, excitement, fear and anticipation. And that is just the state of the Ironwood graduate – add to that the many feelings of parents and siblings – and you have a lot of emotional energy contained in one family for a period of time until things settle down into a routine. This is good, it is a time of disequilibrium, which means that for a period of time the door is open, more than usual, for new levels of communication, relationship, new ways of operating as a family. Take advantage of this opportunity to do things differently. There are activities, like mealtime, visiting grandparents, going on a family outing that might be important changes. On a more subtle level, but equally powerful, are the interpersonal reactions and responses. If you usually react quickly and think later, take this opportunity to really try to slow down your reaction, listen to your teen and let them know you hear them even if you do not agree with them. If you usually talk a lot, try talking less, or if you are the strong silent type, try talking and expressing yourself more. If you are the parent that usually ‘mediates’ between the teen and the other parent, be aware of that and step back and let them work it out.

Disequilibrium can be uncomfortable or exciting, but it will not last. The natural progression is for things to settle, into a pattern, into routine. When that natural process happens, you want the new routine to be an improvement over the previous one and that will happen when all involved are willing to take some risks and try out new behaviors and new ways of relating to our loved ones.

One of the most important decisions that families make when planning for life after Ironwood is the question of school.  Understandable, education is extremely important to most families and parents want to choose the best possible option for education.  But you have to take into consideration so many other factors, for example,  peer group, academic issues, and the teen’s history at a school which may impede him or her from having the opportunity to make a fresh start.  At Ironwood, I have found that many of the teens I work with become very intent on ‘home-schooling’.  The main reason for this is that they have had a very successful experience with the distance learning curriculum we use at Ironwood.  The teen believes they will be able to go home and continue that type of education from home.  It is appealing in some ways as that method keeps the teen out of the mix of peers and drugs at the high school, they can go at their own pace and perhaps finish high school early.  On the other hand, the method requires a great deal of structure and self-discipline.  Also, the parent can easily be pulled into being the ‘teacher’, overseeing lessons being done (or not done) and that creates another source of possible stress and conflict in the home.  When I work with families who are considering using the distance learning curriculum at home, I recommend that they hire a tutor and arrange for the teen to meet the tutor at the library or at least have a set place and time for school every weekday.  I believe it is too much right out of residential treatment to expect a teen to manage such a big project as completing high school at home without significant support from outside sources.  If all the conditions are right though, it could be a fine solution.  The teen can accomplish their school work, have a part-time job and maintain the peer relationships that are on the “approved” list. 

If the conditions are not right though, it is important to explore every possibility, from dual enrollment at a community college (highschool and college credit at the same time), a half-day program at the high school, vocational/technical high school, or boarding school.   It is important for parents to realize that the teens’ experience at high school may be radically different than their own experience when they were in high school, and what did not work before Ironwood probably will not work after Ironwood.

This past week has been a fairly typical week of aftercare activities.  The mother of a resident who graduated about a year ago emailed me to let me know that his picture would be in a popular magazine.  I bought the magazine but could not find the picture.  Oh well, the point is that He is doing well, going to school and involved in healthy activities that support his talents and creativity.  That family moved across the country, there was a positive job change for Dad, but it was no small consideration that their son needed a new environment if he was to have a shot at preserving the behavioral changes and emotional growth he got from his Ironwood journey.  Then another ex-resident dropped by Ironwood, he did not graduate, he was taken out early by his parents.  He has had a rough six months, relapsing into old behaviors and drug use.  He is now participating in a outpatient drug rehab program and he spoke of his fondness for the people and places at Ironwood and how much it had all meant to him.  I met with him and wished hm the best.  Then played voicemail tag with a parent of a recent graduate and finally connected, first with Dad on the weekend and then with Mom later in the week. A few months after Ironwood and things are going pretty well, not perfect by any means.  Their Ironwood grad is doing all the things he said he would do, GREAT!, however, he is also doing a few things he should not be doing and the fear is that he will slide down the slippery slope.  The lines of communication are open and that is keeping the parents and son in the loop together, everyone is trying and committed to success.   We also have a mentor at Ironwood this week, one who has returned several times to mentor and really is doing fantastic.  Oh, almost forgot, another graduate who has kept close ties with Ironwood has flown the nest for an exciting opportunity in another state, he will be on his own this summer although we will be available for phone calls and any other needed support.  That was my week of aftercare experiences.

If I were to count up the time I spend performing aftercare activities, it is several hours a week. Most of that time is on the phone, talking with ex-students and talking with parents. It is always gratifying to hear that things are going well, and sometimes a student calls just to tell me that. In fact, I have received calls from ex-students who told me they would have called me sooner, but they did not want to call until they had something good to tell me. The biggest problem with life after Ironwood is the issue of falling back into the old habits that got one into trouble in the first place. Returning to the same environment is of course a strong stimulus to returning to the same old habits. At Ironwood, we encourage and require growth and change, and there is no doubt that students accomplish a lot of that while here. But it would be the rare person who could maintain those changes when nothing in their environment has changed. We are in interaction with our environment at all times, action – reaction, and for change to stick, the action-reaction cycles need to shift. I feel the most hopeful for a graduate when they are leaving Ironwood and entering a new chapter in their life, such as starting college, going to live with the ‘other’ parent, going to boarding school, or perhaps starting a new job or sport that will occupy a significant amount of time and energy. The conversations I have with parents and students after Ironwood are mostly about these issues, how to create the conditions that will make this time the beginning of a new chapter in the life of a teen.